i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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