The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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