it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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