i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
