Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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