He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
