My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize