i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
