I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
