I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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