did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
