My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
organizing the empties. That sober.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
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