Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
