he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
