im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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