I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
