after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
