Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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