last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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