mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize