Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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