you win again, gameday.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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