4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
