why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
