How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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