mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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