U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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