fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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