I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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