Got a toothbrush?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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