I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
