Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
