idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
