god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
