Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
