hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
