I cannot find my penis.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
