So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
