Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Drake has all the answers
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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