it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
