I murdered the dance floor call the cops
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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