This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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