eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
The air was thick with penises
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
