I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
40s are totally the cure
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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