i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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