what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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