Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
