Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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