By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
