I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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