Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
