I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
