I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
