So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
