I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
