Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
