You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
If that was your dad, he is hot
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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