I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
