How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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