Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
